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Soul Searching

Sitting here waiting for my daughter to return my car so I can go to church and I’m going back and forth in my mind over what to do. Should I skip Sunday School and take her to work because her car broke down and she can’t afford to get it fixed or should I let her deal with the consequences and take two busses to get there. That’s if she can even get two busses since it’s the Sunday schedule and there aren’t as many busses running. Should I loan her (more)money so she can get the car fixed or take a Uber ride to work?  What is helping and what is enabling??

Oh, to be able to go back in time and change how you did things – there are so many things I wish I had done differently. But I can’t go back in time, I can only choose to try to better from now on. The difficulty with that is trying to determine what is better.

Tidbit Tuesday

Just another installment of the random thoughts rolling around in my head today…

So much in my head today – I hardly know where to start. How about with pests? There are teeny, tiny little ants in the sink in my bathroom. They aren’t anywhere else and I can’t figure out where they are coming from.

The mice are still here with poop everywhere. One of them gnawed through a waterline in the mudroom and there was water everywhere when we got home from church. After cleaning that up and installing a new  metal line, we can’t get the recycling bins to slide back in. UGH.

I’m having second thoughts/major qualms about leaving for ten days – there is so much  financial work to finish, preparations for food/laundry/child care to take care of and then the big hurdle – the family drama. I just don’t know if now is the right time for me to be gone.  I feel like I am asking too much of others and that makes me uncomfortable. It is really hard for me to ask for help. I always wonder what people are thinking about me when I need help. I know that sometimes I say yes even though I want to say no and I wonder if they are doing the same.  It just makes it hard for me to do it.

The family drama is keeping me in a state of limbo – I need to make a decision and then start taking the steps that follow from that decision.  Not having any time to be alone lately isn’t helping either.  It is really hard for me to function without that daily alone time. Perhaps I should have stuck to my earlier life plan – becoming a nun. Although there is the big problem of not being Catholic nor wanting to convert that kept me from following that plan.

Oh, well, I need to get moving on something.  I’ll be back sometime to let you know how things work out.

Tidbit Tuesday

Just another installment of the random thoughts rolling around in my head…

It has been very difficult to get my new schedule going – two hour delays, school bus running late, end of year business accounting demands, frigid temperatures and a poor mindset have all contributed to the problem. With  three days of no school due to semester break, more winter weather and my upcoming trip, it doesn’t look like things will settle down any time soon.

I wish there weren’t so many choices in my life – too many opportunities for me to go the wrong way. And it is pure agony when the results of previous poor decisions come back to make life miserable.

It is really hard to live with people who don’t get along and put you in the middle. On the one hand I can’t wait to get away for awhile but on the other hand I’m very worried about how things will go when I’m gone. I imagine dire consequences and wonder if I should just stay home.

Enough of the gloom and doom – I’m off to try and raise my spirits. Hope your day is going better than mine.

Tidbit Tuesday

Just another installment of the random thoughts rolling around in my head…

Dad’s surgery went well – it was a rather large cataract and he had some swelling but is doing well now. Although he is upset that he still can’t drive – he hates to be dependent on my sister.

Snow today – still have some stuff to do in the garden but it will have to wait for a warmer day.

My “Thanksgiving” cactus is starting to bloom and my orchid is sending out a flower stalk – love being able to have fresh flowers in the house when it is cold out and nothing is blooming outside(although I do still have a couple of pansies that haven’t given up yet).

Hubby and DD went out for a driving lesson over the weekend. They managed to spend almost two hours without getting upset with each other which is a record here lately.

DS and I have been trying to deliver popcorn, it can be discouraging when people never seem to be home and we need to collect money so we can turn it in to the Cub Scout troop.

I finally got rid of three items I have wanted to get out of the house. I had wanted to try to sell them but I don’t know how to take digital photos and upload them to the computer. I tried to get hubby or DD to do it for me but it didn’t happen so I just went ahead and offered them for free to my neighborhood list. The train table and train sets went quickly but it took awhile to get rid of the inflatable turkey yard decoration. I’m so glad to get rid of them and now I’m searching for stuff to add to my load for VVA. I want to do that before the end of the month.

I’m trying to decide if I’m a bad parent or a good parent for taking my DD’s glasses to her at school. This is the second time it has happened. The first time I told her she should start packing her glasses so she is prepared for another incident.  Part of me thinks I should have let her suffer the consequences and the other part is annoyed that she just expected me to just drop everything and come down there. It is hard to know what is the right thing to do or perhaps I should say it is hard for me to decide and stick to my decision. Ugh!

Now I’m off to get some quiet time before everyone gets home.

 

The Quick Fix

I decided last spring to try to fix the problem of weeds in the orchard by planting a combination of johnny jump up, thyme and micro-clover seeds. The hope was that the seed mix would take over and  crowd out the weeds. I figured I would need to pull some weeds but that  they would be fewer and fewer as time went on. Maybe that would have happened if  I had been able to do the work of pulling the weeds out over the course of the summer. Instead I came down with Lyme Disease and was not able to do much of anything outside last year.

Then came the bitterly cold days of winter and lots of snow, followed by rain, rain, rain this spring. All of that led to an explosion of weeds in the orchard, berry, veggie and flower beds. It seemed like an overwhelming task and I had to decide where to concentrate my energies. Since there are several dead trees that need to be removed from the orchard, I decided to let it go and start elsewhere. Today I ventured out to the orchard to begin working.

As I was pulling weed after weed, it occurred to me that my quick fix – planting the seed mix – had created another problem for me. I hadn’t considered the fact that not only would the mix spread and crowd out weeds but it would spread into areas where I don’t want it to be. Now I need to come up with a way to keep it out of the flower beds. That led me to think of other quick fixes that create problems down the line and how my life seems to be full of them.

I have an argument with a family member and feel sad,  my quick fix- some kind of chocolate/sugar concoction that leads to feeling discouraged because I want to lose some weight and that will not help me reach that goal.

I’m tired and don’t have the energy to be consistent in training my children, my quick fix- just do the job for them which leads to children who do not participate in the daily upkeep of the house and their stuff.

I don’t want to deal with a tantrum/argument, my quick fix- let them do something that I know I shouldn’t  and that leads to children who question every request and feel entitled to more than they deserve.

I feel stressed by any of the above, my quick fix- hop on the computer or disappear into the pages of a book which leads to work not done, feelings of disgust and a sense of hopelessness.

I need to stop reaching for the quick fix and start carefully considering my actions. I need to look ahead and see where the choice I’m making is going to lead and decide if that is where I want to go. I need to think through the situations before I’m in them and come up with some alternative fixes so I’m not falling back into bad habits. A tall order but one that needs to be filled.

What about you? Do you have any quick fixes that you need to change? What is your plan? Any advice for me? I’m open to suggestions so please share in the comments. Thanks

Tuesday Tidbits

Just another sampling of the random thoughts running around in my head…

I’m wondering how other mom bloggers manage to post regularly during spring break. When my kids are home my schedule goes out the window and nothing gets done.

I’m enjoying the decluttered feel of the house – a benefit of hosting a get together for our church youth group.

I’m hoping that the cold and the rain move through so I can get to work in the garden. I especially need to get to work in my front sidewalk bed before the thorny weeds overtake the area.

I’m loving the look of my orchard since it was pruned by a fellow wordpress blogger, Chris Condello. He did a marvelous job and the area looks so much better. I do still need to dig up the dead cherry tree but everything else is leafing and blooming and looking great.

I’m trying to remember that the choices my 16 year old makes are not a reflection of me or my  attempts at training her to be an adult.

I’m trying not to soothe my worried mind with massive quantities of M&M candies(unfortunately I’m not being too successful with this one).

I’m thinking uncharitable thoughts about those people who think it is a good idea to require  fourth grade boys to do science fair projects.

I’m looking forward to Pilates class tonight and wishing I could/would make time for it more than just once a week.

I could go on but I need to get to work on the chicken so we can have dinner.

Have a great week everyone.

 

 

Tuesday Tidbits

Just another installment of the random thoughts rolling around in my head…

Rough day today. Woke up to a freezer that wasn’t freezing and went straight to catastrophe thinking – all my food is going to be ruined, my plans for today are shot, why didn’t I look into a new freezer several months ago when it started leaking and making funny noises, where can I go to get a freezer delivered today, etc.  Looked to hubby to save me(’cause my love language is acts of service) but didn’t get what I was hoping for –  to be fair he did have some ideas for me but he is in the middle of  keeping his business running while setting up a new building and participating in a trade show so he really didn’t have time to help me out. So I try stuffing as much as I can into the freezer section of my refrigerator and set off to find a new freezer.

Several hours later I’m on my way home and second guessing myself about my purchase – wondering if I spent too much, is it too big, did I get the right features, etc. What do I discover when I get home – the freezer appears to be working again. Ugh. Still going through with the purchase because the freezer is old and acting up so hopefully this new one work out.

It was absolutely  gorgeous today but it is supposed to be cold again tomorrow with possible rain/sleet/snow. I do hope that spring comes soon. I am so ready for the warm weather and the beginning of garden season. Lots of dead stuff to clear out, pruning of the fruit trees, grape vines and berry bushes to be done and then prepping the veggie beds and seed planting.

Still haven’t been swimming but I’m doing pretty good with the steps the past few days. Not sure if I can make it to the pool this week or not. I know I need to if I’m going to get close to my goal but so far it has just been too much of a struggle to do.

Guess that’s it for this installment – see you next time around.

 

Teen Suicide

This is not a typical post – I need to get some thoughts out and this will be an unedited, perhaps rambling post – more for my benefit than anything else.

 

For the first time our family has been personally touched by suicide. We’ve seen the stories in the news, even heard of a few from our city but this is someone my daughter knew so it is completely different. It is so hard to know what to do with the things I’m thinking and feeling although not as hard as trying to figure out what to do or say to my girl. My girl has always felt herself to be an outsider whether at home, with her cousins, at school or at church, she often feel like no one really gets her. Last week she met a guy at a get together with a friend’s family. They hit it off, she felt very comfortable with him and wanted to see more of him. She came and asked but upon hearing that he is 19(she just turned 16), I said no. She continued to text and call but  they agreed to cool things since her parents were not really happy about the age difference.

Then comes the news that he committed suicide. She had known that he had some struggles – had taken a year off to decide what to do with his life but didn’t know the full extent of what had gone on in his life before he had made that decision. So it turns out that 6 years ago his older brother had committed suicide and he found him. He suffered from depression and who knows what else since then.

My heart goes out to that family – what a horrible thing to have happen. My heart goes out to all teenagers who feel that their only course of action is to end it all. I wish they could truly understand that things can get better and that there is hope for better things. I want so much to share this with my DD but it is hard to know what to say to her  – she doesn’t easily share her feelings and I don’t want to push or crowd her. She knows I am here for her but that doesn’t feel like it is enough.

I feel so bad for this young man but at the same time I am angry. It seems like such a selfish thing to do – which of course is fairly typical of teenagers – not to consider how it will affect others. Not to consider how others will go over and over what they did or didn’t do that might have made a difference to him. I don’t mean to blame him, it’s just that I just don’t get how people think that this will solve anything- well I get that they think they will hurt no more but what about the people who love them and all the people that may have been  touched by them. It is just a big loss for everyone concerned. We all miss out on what could have been.

This just makes me want to hug every child I know and tell them that they are special, they are important and they mean so much to the people who know and love them.

31 days to completion – day 30

Another gorgeous day here today. Hoping that it will last through tomorrow evening for the trick or treaters. I did some more weeding and cleaning up in the garden. It is looking pretty good out there.

I added another 30 books to the challenge list. It has been interesting to go through the history and see the books I’ve read. A bit sad to see how many I don’t really remember that much about. I once read an article whose author stated that it can be more helpful to limit the number of self-help books you read and to read them over and over. By doing this you are more likely to actually incorporate what you are reading into your actual habits. At the time I thought that wouldn’t really be true but now I wonder. What do you think? Please share if you have any thoughts.

31 days toward completion – day 28

I can cross off another item on the list – my library wishlist is done. Now I can start requesting the books I’ve been wanting to read. The library will search for the book and not get distracted by other books that look interesting and I might actually get to read some of the books that have been on my list for way too long. I still need to decide what to do about the books the library doesn’t have. I can try to order them through the Interlibrary Loan system or search for them at bookstores/online/paperback swap. Each option has its good and bad points but that’s a decision I’ll leave for another day.

After a few days of low temperatures it has warmed up and I was able to spend some time enjoying my time spent working in the garden. I still have a lot of garden that could be weeded and cleaned up but I did finish the areas I really needed to get done. Of course, with weeding you are never really done but isn’t that so true of many things in the life of a mom – I’m thinking laundry, cooking meals, washing dishes, teaching kids to pick up after themselves, dusting, sweeping, mopping – I could go on but I think you can get the picture.

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