Just another WordPress.com weblog

Posts tagged ‘depression’


I’ve been getting to bed on time and waking up without an alarm. However I’m definitely not waking up refreshed and ready to start the day. Not sure if that is because I’m not getting the recommended 7-9 hours of sleep, I’m sleep-deprived from months of not getting enough sleep or the fact that I’m once again suffering from low level depression.

I don’t want to think/admit that I’m depressed because I feel like I shouldn’t be. I look at what other people close to me are going through and know that my troubles are not nearly as life shattering. And yet I’m struggling to do basic daily tasks or any of the things that I say I want to do.

I was hoping that this year would be different but so far it seems to be more of the same. Not sure what I need to do to get things moving in a different direction. Why is being an adult so hard?

Tidbit Tuesday

Just another installment of the random thoughts rolling around in my head…

Tax time again – the business tax stuff should have been to the accountant last month but as usual I’m behind. You would think that after so many years of doing this that I would be better at it than I am.  Then it will be all the personal stuff. I really need to get a system in place and then actually use it.

I’m really ready for spring to show up – tired of the gray skies, I need some sunshine.

Still feeling a bit off – haven’t really been able to get things moving since I got back from Israel. School delays, work duties, emotional ups and downs – it just seems as if everything is conspiring against me. I get in those negative thought ruts and can’t seem to get out. Then comes the emotional eating. A pattern that needs to change.

My doctor thinks I’m depressed again – wants me to try a natural supplement. I thought that I had finally put that behind me but I guess not.

I have been trying to keep up with my exercise goals. I missed one day of my hundred days of doing a plank but other than that I have been walking, doing yoga, riding the bike and doing some weight work. The weight work is tough – I have very little upper body strength and my knees aren’t all that great but I’m going slow and trying to keep at it.

Hope things are going well in your part of the world – thanks for stopping by.

This is a unedited rant that I just need to get out of my head. I will probably not look at it after I’ve finished it, so please  forgive any spelling mistakes, grammatical errors and the like. Thanks!

So. I’m feeling overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, disappointed – just so many negative emotions lately. Things are starting to slide down again and I want to stop it but just feel so overwhelmed and unable to take that first step. I know what I should, even need to be doing and yet I keep choosing something else. What is it that makes me do such self-destructive things??

Let me name just a few of the things on my plate…

-teenage daughter who borrows things and does not return them  – says she did but case in point – library books. According to her, she returned 2 books  but the library says only one was returned; I could understand if both were showing as not returned but since one is and one isn’t, I’m not really believing her and I hate that I don’t believe her but experience has shown me that she can’t always be trusted

-teenage daughter who uses things without permission and does not return them or denies having them and later they are found in her possession

-husband who does not approve of my parenting methods but does not have any ideas of what to do differently

-children who do not clean their dishes after eating leading to ants in the kitchen and everywhere else they decide to sneak food

-son who seems to only be able to do something if it involves hundreds of things(crayons, legos, paper, cards, books) which he is then unable to clean up when he is done

-husband who thinks I need to be more active and complains about it

-worrying about my dad who is getting to be too old to be living in his house without some kind of help and because of this is dealing with a bedbug infestation lasting several months now

-worrying about my sister who because she lives close ends up being the one who has to deal with our father’s problems while she has problems of her own to cope with

-feeling stupid for not making sure that the bedbug thing was completely gone before spending a weekend there

-feeling guilty because I took my son to visit his grandfather and now he is covered in hives due to an allergic reaction to numerous bed bug bites and will be needing serious meds

-feeling angry with myself for not doing productive work but still sitting in front of the computer instead of doing anything else

-dreading the weekend because I do not want to be around my family

OKAY – enough of that it is time to try to do something constructive for a change. Off to do one small thing to move me forward instead being stuck in neutral.

Tuesday Tidbits

Another installment of the random thoughts rolling around in my head…

I have been having a very hard time sticking to any kind of schedule so far this year. The weather continues to wreak havoc with my attempts to get into any kind of routine. It is hard to get up the energy to take walks in the bitter cold and I definitely don’t feel like going to the pool. The one day I did manage to get myself there, the water was cold – some sort of problem with the heating system and I haven’t wanted to go back since.

I have been spending time in my loft space – trying to get it fixed up but mostly I’ve been doing anything but work on the stuff that needs put away.

Wishing I had some more motivation/willpower/discipline/desire, anything that would help me to get a bit more done. I don’t think I’m slipping back into a depression – my mood is still okay but the energy is gone and I can’t seem to get myself moving most days.

Enjoying reading a series from a fellow WordPresser – A Plant A Day Till Spring- have been loving the pictures, poetry and information http://chriscondello.wordpress.com/2014/02/11/a-plant-a-day-till-spring-day-54-tansy/

Did get a gardening catalog with a birdbath/fountain that I am thinking about getting for the garden but I’m struggling with the decision. On the one hand we already have a birdbath so why spend money on another one? However, the one we have is old, needs cleaned/painted and is just blah. I would enjoy looking at the new one but  is it worth spending that much money when there are things that we actually need? On the other hand, I would get enjoyment from it and might spend more time weeding and getting garden tasks done. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

How about you dear readers – do you struggle with spending money on decorative items? I’m curious to know what you think.

Teen Suicide

This is not a typical post – I need to get some thoughts out and this will be an unedited, perhaps rambling post – more for my benefit than anything else.


For the first time our family has been personally touched by suicide. We’ve seen the stories in the news, even heard of a few from our city but this is someone my daughter knew so it is completely different. It is so hard to know what to do with the things I’m thinking and feeling although not as hard as trying to figure out what to do or say to my girl. My girl has always felt herself to be an outsider whether at home, with her cousins, at school or at church, she often feel like no one really gets her. Last week she met a guy at a get together with a friend’s family. They hit it off, she felt very comfortable with him and wanted to see more of him. She came and asked but upon hearing that he is 19(she just turned 16), I said no. She continued to text and call but  they agreed to cool things since her parents were not really happy about the age difference.

Then comes the news that he committed suicide. She had known that he had some struggles – had taken a year off to decide what to do with his life but didn’t know the full extent of what had gone on in his life before he had made that decision. So it turns out that 6 years ago his older brother had committed suicide and he found him. He suffered from depression and who knows what else since then.

My heart goes out to that family – what a horrible thing to have happen. My heart goes out to all teenagers who feel that their only course of action is to end it all. I wish they could truly understand that things can get better and that there is hope for better things. I want so much to share this with my DD but it is hard to know what to say to her  – she doesn’t easily share her feelings and I don’t want to push or crowd her. She knows I am here for her but that doesn’t feel like it is enough.

I feel so bad for this young man but at the same time I am angry. It seems like such a selfish thing to do – which of course is fairly typical of teenagers – not to consider how it will affect others. Not to consider how others will go over and over what they did or didn’t do that might have made a difference to him. I don’t mean to blame him, it’s just that I just don’t get how people think that this will solve anything- well I get that they think they will hurt no more but what about the people who love them and all the people that may have been  touched by them. It is just a big loss for everyone concerned. We all miss out on what could have been.

This just makes me want to hug every child I know and tell them that they are special, they are important and they mean so much to the people who know and love them.

One Word – Health Part 2

Once I got the diagnosis I went on antibiotics and a probiotic. I  still didn’t have much of an appetite and was having a hard time having enough energy to do more than the basics each day. One bright spot was that I wasn’t really missing the sugar/chocolate and I had been sure that was going to be a big problem for me. I lost a ton of weight –  not eating will do that for you. In fact I was able to get down to my goal weight but unfortunately I didn’t stay there.

On the follow up visit with the doctor I learned that I have some food sensitivities most notably peanut and whey.  To a lesser degree I showed some sensitivity to eggs and milk products. I had a severe candida problem and some heavy metals in my system.  I was advised to add back in oranges, soy and corn and see how I did with them. I also got a prescription for natural thyroid meds, a Vitamin D supplement and some stuff help rebuild my stomach.

I had a period of feeling loads better – in fact I couldn’t remember feeling so energetic and pleased with life. I started doing some exercising – nothing hard core but more than I had done in a long time. I even joined a club and started swimming. It was amazing but I have started to slip lately. I’m having trouble sticking to my diet. It started with an event for church. We were asked to make cookies and DS wanted to make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. I told myself I would just have one but of course that didn’t work. Then later in the week was Halloween and I was tempted again. I ate way too much chocolate and I’m still having trouble with cravings. Some days it just feels like a constant struggle, I get discouraged and then I’m falling off the wagon and then beating myself up about it. It’s a cycle I can’t seem to break out of.

It doesn’t help that I’m having relationship struggles as well. A lot of it is typical age related stuff with my kids but it is just wearing me down. My DH and I  aren’t always on the same page about how to deal with it and that adds another layer of stress to the mix. Some days I can stay positive and not dwell on it but other days it just seems overwhelming and I doubt everything I do/say/think. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide away. I keep trying to remember that these things will pass but it isn’t always easy.

One Word – Health

So, back in January I decided to get on the one word bandwagon. That’s the idea that you pick a word to focus on throughout the year. I chose health as my word and I was going to try and work on one aspect of my health each month.

I started with sleep because it seems to affect so many other things, especially weight gain/loss and mood which I also wanted to improve. I worked on my sleep environment, my pre-bed routine and trying to keep my wakeup and sleep times consistent. I did okay but had trouble staying consistent – my usual problem. I can do something for so long but never long enough for it to become automatic.

Next I tried to work on my water intake because it also seems to affect so many other things. I really struggled with this one. It takes a lot of effort for me to drink that much water. You would think that it would be easy since water is the only thing I drink but I don’t make it most days.

I decided to make an appointment with a functional medicine practitioner because I was getting tired of the way I was feeling and I wasn’t sure if the meds I was on were really helping me. (Background – I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism 18 years ago, have postpartum depression/dysthymia issues and am going through menopause) I had heard good things about this doctor and decided to see what she had to say.

There was a two hour initial meeting  that was very thorough and I felt like there was a possibility that things could change if I went through the testing she recommended. I wasn’t as excited about all the supplements she wanted me to try but figured it was worth a shot. She put me on an elimination diet which I was sure was going to be hell. I had to do blood, urine, hair and salivia testing as well.

I spent the weekend enjoying a last taste of my forbidden foods and was ready to start my new diet bright and early one Monday morning. I  was supposed to take a protein shake in the morning but I wasn’t really hungry so I put it off until lunch. I’m not really big on shakes or smoothies – its a texture thing – I just don’t like that thick stuff. This one smelled really bad and I had to force myself to drink it. In fact, it took about 30 minutes for me to drink it all.  It didn’t stay down long – I was in the bathroom throwing up within the hour. Later that evening I started feeling sick and ended up going to bed early.

The next morning I still wasn’t feeling well but I was hungry. I had a craving for an apple. I ate a slice but was back in the bathroom dry heaving. I  was still tired so I just went back to bed. Then I started having chills and aches. I thought maybe I had a stomach bug or something. I had no appetite and slept 12 – 16 hours for the next 4-5 days. I talked with the doctor and thought I might have the flu. I tried to rest and stay hydrated – not something I’m very good at.

Then I developed a red circular patch on my arm. It started out about the size of a quarter. It didn’t itch, it wasn’t crusty, it just got bigger and bigger. Then I noticed a few more on different parts of my body. Finally my husband convinced me to have them looked at. That’s when I found out that I had Lyme disease.

This is getting kind of long – I’ll stop here for now and finish up tomorrow.


Once again, I am struggling. Struggling to do the things that need to be done, struggling to focus and complete a task, struggling to resist temptation and stay the course, struggling to make good choices and just feeling overwhelmed by all that is in front of me.

Struggling to face the thoughts/feelings/decisions that are coming up in counseling/therapy – I’m never really sure which is the right term. And here I go, getting sidetracked/distracted by something that is of no real importance. I need to make and stick with some decisions but it just seems like too much work.

I think I have become too comfortable in my rut and too scared to really try to get out of it. I’ve been in this place for so long and I’m not sure how to be any other way.

There are so many areas of my life that I would like to change and it is hard to commit to one, take baby steps and let the progress stick. I have been trying to improve my sleep but it is slow going. I am waking less often throughout the night but I’m finding it harder and harder to get myself out of bed and going in the morning.

The sun is shininig and it looks so nice outside- I’d like to just sit outside and soak up some sun but it is still quite cool and I have cleaning and laundry and a ton of other things I need to do. None of which I wish to do, so I sit here in front of the computer and do nothing. Why is taking action so hard for me??

Lots of questions but no answers. I hear the washer ding so I will at least go take caare of that and perhaps it will get me moving on something else.

Hope you are having a better day.


Well, I hit a bump in the road last week and there are no TA DAS to report. I was feeling miserable and just didn’t want to do much of anything. Lately I seem to be having this feeling quite a bit. I may need to check in with my doctor and make sure everything is okay.

The one thing I did do was a lot of thinking and I know what my biggest mistake has been. I have way too much negative self-talk in my head. I’m constantly beating myself up for making some kind of mistake. Then I decide there is no point in trying and go completely off the path and do more self-defeating behaviors.

I am going to try to concentrate on the present – stop beating myself up about past choices – stop worrying about what might happen – and just be in the moment. I’m going to remind myself(every morning, noon and night/hourbyhour/minute to minute – whatever it takes) to make a good choice and keep moving forward.

Next week’s to dos — Zumba class and continue working in the garden

What’s on your list??

Fitness Friday

UGH!  My weight is up even more – now I need to lose 9.2 lbs. Almost as much as when I started this journey last January.

step average for the week  14,317  Need to bump this up if I am going to reach 5 million this year.

Too much birthday cake and junk food combined with too  little exercise and a lot of sitting in front of the computer. I haven’t been walking with my friends – one has been sick and the other is back and forth helping out with her daughter who has breast cancer. Without them to spur me on, my walks have gotten very short and that has to change.

I can’t depend on friends or great weather or any motivational technique – I just need to get out there and start doing something everyday. Commit to a time and then do something – walk, yoga, jump rope, ride a bike, ab work, calisthenics anything! More movement is what I need.

Of course part of the problem has been another bout of the ever recurring depression I suffer from/with. Not sure what has started off this time but I am back in the struggle. I seem to be always hungry, I’m sleeping too much and I havelittle to no energy or desire to do anything. I know what I need to do but it just seems like too much work. Maybe I need to see about changing my medication or talking to someone, but it is so hard for me to take those steps. I’ve been down this road before and feel like I should be able to snap out of it without help but  that isn’t happening.

The weekend will see me getting off to a good start with a plan for daily exercise.  On Saturday I’m taking DD and a few friends to the mall. They are going to look for dresses for the 8th grade dance and I am going to walk around the mall while I wait for them. Then on Sunday we are going to bike to the baseball game. Need to make a plan for Monday – will see if anyone can walk or do something else. Then just keep on doing a little something everyday.

What are you doing to keep yourself fit and healthy?

Tag Cloud